Movie Meltdown

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The Worst of 2014

 by Kyle Armstrong

10. Single Mom's Club: Not only is this a badly written, badly directed mess, but it is also ugly to look at. The editing is probably one of the worst editing jobs I have seen all year, sometimes they appear in rooms together randomly, when they aren't in a room together at all, but the film needs them to be, the splicing is very obvious. I almost forgot this Tyler Perry movie, which is odd seeing it is one of his worst films. No matter how bad many of his films are there is usually a point to it (Even if he has to throw Madea in it last minute to get guilty laughs from the only people who watch his films). I think it was either this or Mom's Night Out that made me super depressed watching it (I feel bad for not putting Mom's Night Out on the list), not to mention, as much as this film pledges femininity, it can at times be a bit chauvinistic.

9. Blended: This wasn't that bad of an Adam Sandler film, but that doesn't mean it is good either. Sandler can act and in good movies, we have seen this in Punch Drunk Love, but maybe he just doesn't want to. Many of the jokes feel forced and if it isn't forced jokes, it is goofy slapstick that is forced. One of these forced recurring jokes is about a character named Dick, they play with the idea that his name is Dick much throughout the film, way too much, with jokes like "I thought you didn't like Dick." Oh, har-har, you got me. Some are about characters that appear out of nowhere to tell a dumb joke. I also felt a little uncomfortable with this movie, especially the fact that they use the little girl seeing her dead mother as a recurring joke and even that at the end isn't really solved.

8. Labor Day: I remember the plot, I remember Josh Brolin, Kate Winslet, however, I do not remember the rest of the film, it is not a memorable film and the writing kind of sucks. The story sounds oddly familiar, I am not exactly sure where, but I have heard the story of a man on the run from the police hides in the woman's attic as they fall in love (I am 79% sure that is the plot, like I said the movie isn't too memorable). I did expect more from Josh Brolin, he just gives up in this role, and he knows it. Josh Brolin is the reason I watched it, but he sounds so exhausted being in this role, that I felt exhausted watching it. The romance is bland to a point where they are just spurring words from their mouths at each other, while the teenage boy is just there because he just is (I forgot he was actually in this during half this review), and the bad guy is bad (I don't remember one scene with him). I don't even remember if they explain why the movie has this title. That's all I can remember about this film. It's not that bad, it's just there existing for some reason.

7. Purge: Anarchy: The Purge as an idea is really stupid, however, that's not the film's problem, many films have dumb ideas. The film is unmemorable, very unmemorable, I can't tell you the name of one character, I can't even show you which one is which. I had no idea which one was their rebel leader or that one girl's boyfriend because every single character feels like the same blank slate to me. This movie was a really big deal, huh? Who's talking about it now? The film takes place in 2023, because in 8 years the Purge will be legal, that's another thing, they don't really explain much about how the crime rate could lower (even in the first film). Of course the Purge movies are trying to say something about our government at the moment, but their message is so one sided, I don't even think they know what message they are trying to send anymore. 

6. Annie: How many times can someone sing "Tomorrow" and "Hard Knock Life"? Well, let's watch as this movie tests that theory. One of the main issues with this film is it doesn't add up, it is mostly "what are the odds" situations, not like the 1982 Annie didn't have much of that either, but this movie stopped caring 2 minutes before it even started. Cameron Diaz and Jamie Foxx's hair make this movie one of the worst performed films of 2014. The musical numbers are weak and borderline racist for its assumptions, and the dance numbers are so badly choreographed you would've thought that they have paid just about anyone off of the street. The writing is surprising much worse than the directing with characters so horribly written it is obvious where they stand in the picture. The only reason I think this movie exist is to keep the contract for the Annie musical, if not I feel bad for the people behind it.

5. Annabelle: Is it that there aren't enough good horror films today or is it that we just don't catch the good ones in time? I understand the attraction to bad b-rated horror films, however this is nothing like that, it isn't interestingly bad or bad for the sake of being bad, it's stale. I have seen this movie before, it is Rosemary's Baby, it is Dolly Dearest, and it has no point. If we are talking about the "true" story, than give me the interesting side of the story, I surprisingly do not want to hear about the least interesting couple in cinema. These stories are all made up, Ed and Lorraine Warren are frauds, and probably horrible people for making money off of stupid people, however, some would make an interesting horror film. Most of the movie is has this idea of how Annabelle doesn't do these things, but the ideal of Annabelle, that's interesting, except for the fact that it is the ideal of Annabelle, if that ideal of Annabelle is Satan. It tries to be this complex mind game, except for the fact that it doesn't want to be, it wants to be an upfront horror film.

4. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: There was so much potential with this film, even having Michael Bay as a producer wasn't the real problem, although promoting it as Michael Bay's without giving the director any credit at all is a big misstep (Oh, the guy directed Battle: Los Angeles? Nevermind.) I'm not even sure if there is anything that I can say about this film that nobody else has, but I can try. I am so tired of the Megan Fox and Michael Bay team up, while also being tired of them both altogether. Megan Fox as April O'Neal is as bad as it sounds, sometimes her hair is red, sometimes it's brown. The Turtles themselves look absolutely disgusting. Why would we want realistic Ninja Turtles? Why stop at their hideous faces? Take away their teeth, have them on all fours, have them fight crime at .23 mph. Splinter looks even worse, looks like something the sewer would produce, instead of surround. Johnny Knoxville as Leonardo is a joke. Leonardo is supposed to be this leader full of wisdom, but Knoxville is the exact opposite, as if it was some inside joke. Why isn't this lower? Because of Will Arnett, he is the redeeming quality of this film, his performance is the only thing that lets me know this is a Ninja Turtles film for some odd reason, he feels like an actual addition to the series. Overall, the film brings back every cliché of the old movies/shows in the most annoying way possible.

3. If I Stay: In my defense, I didn't come to it, it came to me. If you remember the Brooke Shields film Endless Love (I say Brooke Shields lightly, it was actually James Spader's), then you know it was purposely/accidentally supposed to be about a man who cannot get over a woman so he stalks her physically and mentally, that sounds familiar, didn't it get a remake this year? Yes, it did and that film is called "If I Stay". It comes out as this creepy, insane, "romantic" hybrid (Kind of like a Lifetime movie). The parents want Mia to be so out of her shell, it is as if they really don't care what happens to her, but it is pawned off as if they do, but they actually don't. The moppy boy scout (I want to say Dylan?) sees an opportunity to, I am not kidding, suck on her hand (censor that image out of your head, if you want) when a bee stings it, because... Romantic? This was at a table, outside, in front of her parents, grandparents, friends, and little brother, who look so amazed that this creep is sucking on their daughters hand for something that he wanted them to believe he got a merit badge for, but in reality he lied to suck on her hand (No joke). 

2. Transformers: Age of Extinction: I am so bored with the Transformers movies that if it wasn't for this list, I would've completely overlooked this. I am no longer able to put myself  through the Transformers movies, with its stale action and bad writing, I had to watch this in a matter of days, because I could not sit through the entire film in all of its entirety. The bootleg copy was so bad, I could've sworn I was watching an underwater filter premier of the gunk in the bottom of the fish tank, but even that would be a more interesting film. Because we didn't get enough backstory the first 3 movies, let's go back to the stone age, because that makes so much sense when you have a robot that can turn into a truck ride on a robot dinosaur. The best thing about this movie is the getting rid of Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox and nobody cares why they are gone. If you hate commercials and trailers before your movie, this movie is not for you, it is one close to 3 hour commercial about how an over aged man can have a relationship with an under age girl. The said part is it tries so hard to be sophisticated, but comes out as this way too long moneygrabber.

1. Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas: What's wrong with Christmas? People celebrating their own religion and free will, well according to Kirk Cameron. This movie is bigoted, racist, and very homophobic. All this makes a horrible film, but what an experience. If this was satire, Kirk Cameron would be a genius, but it isn't, so Kirk and his friend are absolute morons. I don't know if I can count this as a film, it feels like a made for TV special on Hallmark and looks as if it had a 5 dollar budget for lunch only. Even the bad reviews can't stop Kirk Cameron from making his money seeing he has already dipped into merchandising profits, that's right, I'm talking about Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas Coffee Blend made from the "earthiness of the African" saving Christmas from the "boring" coffee (I would be lying if I said I didn't buy a bag just because it exist). The comedic timing is awful, whenever it is purposely funny, it is very forced, but when it tries to take a moment of seriousness, it is the most ridiculous, yet hilarious thing. Horrible reviews do not bother Kirk though, it is just the "atheist's fault" anyway.


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